Loves Me Not - How to Keep Relationships Safe

Relationships can be fraught, but they should never be unhealthy or abusive. New Zealand has one of the highest rates of partner abuse in the world according to a recent report by UN Women, with young adults most at risk. Indeed, an alarming 48 percent of couples report having experienced partner abuse by the age of 21 (Dunedin Longitudinal Study, Moffitt and Caspi, 1999). The brutal murder of Sophie Elliott on January 09, 2008 at the hands of estranged boyfriend Clayton Weatherston was a tragedy and testimony to this grim statistic.

Sophie’s murder shocked the nation and left her grieving parents with more questions than there were answers. In the immediate aftermath of her death, Sophie’s mother, Lesley Elliott, was contacted by the police officer in charge of the enquiry saying that a young woman had come forward reporting serious abuse by Weatherston. Clearly, Weatherston’s violent and controlling behaviour was already established when he started dating Sophie. So why did Sophie and Lesley Elliott miss the warning signs and how can others heed them before it’s too late?

Loves Me Not is the result of Lesley Elliott’s extensive research in to the topic of domestic and partner abuse, and what has become her life’s mission to combat violence in relationships. During this process of thinking, research and writing, Lesley realised that if she and Sophie – ‘through ignorance and naivety’ – had missed the signs, then so too could many others. Lesley concluded that the best way to address the issue was through education; her thinking supported by international research which concludes that awareness through education is the most effective means to lower incidents of family violence.

In honour of her beloved daughter, Lesley established the Sophie Elliott Foundation to help others and raise awareness about partner abuse among young adults, their friends and families. More recently, she and her fellow Trustees formed a partnership with New Zealand Police and the Ministry of Social Development’s ‘It’s not OK’ campaign team, to develop ‘Loves-Me-Not’, a primary prevention programme aimed at high school students.

‘Loves-Me-Not’ is a full day programme for year 12 students throughout New Zealand delivered by police working alongside teachers and NGO’s focussing on healthy (equal) relationships. The programme was developed from a successful Australian model, adapted to acknowledge New Zealand’s social, racial and education conditions. ‘Loves-Me-Not’ was successfully trialled at nine culturally diverse schools throughout New Zealand and Lesley Elliott’s book complements this programme. Loves Me Not also reaches out beyond the school gates, to all New Zealand couples, with invaluable advice and suggestions on how to identify problems, deal with them and where to seek help.

Lesley Elliot writes from her own experience and research, supported by the expertise and scrutiny of trained counsellors and clinical psychologists, including high-profile commentator Nigel Latta. The vast majority of those affected by partner abuse are women but not always, writes Latta in Loves Me Not, Chapter 10: ‘One for the Boys’: “Men, and young men as well, are also subjected to unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships; we just don’t talk about them. Instead, we talk about guys solely as the bad guys. Violence is only ever stuff that we do, not what gets done to us. Well, it does get done to us. And it’s not okay.”

Lesley Elliott wrote Loves Me Not and founded The Sophie Elliott Foundation with the express aim of causing a profound shift in New Zealand’s attitude towards relationship violence – one that has the next generation recognise and reject all signs of abuse, power and control. In Sophie’s honour, the book and Foundation aim to prevent the abuse and murder of women at the hands of their boyfriends and partners.
At the authors:

Lesley Elliott is a practicing nurse working part-time in Dunedin Hospital’s Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit, and the author of Sophie’s Legacy, a memoir which was written in memory of her daughter. The book was co-authored by William J. O’Brien, a retired former senior police officer who is the author of over 20 books, including a book on the Aramoana shooting tragedy. Loves Me Not is Lesley Elliott and William J. O’Brien’s second literary collaboration. For more about the Sophie Elliott Foundation, please visit: www. sophieelliottfoundation.co.nz/.