Fifty Shades of Grey, the audio book, is read by Becca Battoe, an American actress who sounds like an anxious computer reading out pornography as punishment.
The plot? Innocent Ana meets Troubled Christian, a wounded (guess what?) billionaire. But, as with all love stories – and this is a love story – there is an impediment, and it is not Christian’s pride nor Ana’s prejudice. It is that Christian only likes sex if he is beating Ana with a stick.
The psychodrama can be paraphrased as follows – Can I spank you? (Christian) Ooh, I’m only a [college] senior! (Ana) I really need to spank you, Ana, because I am very damaged. (Christian) OK. But only because I really love you. Can we get married? (Ana)
This is a nice girl’s nasty book; imagine a low-budget porn film involving a plumber – well, at the end the bog gets fixed and the plumber stops fiddling his tax. So despite the continual filth hum – “his long finger presses the button summoning the elevator…” – the effect is strangely innocent, like Bambi wandering into de Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom, begging for an engagement ring.
If this all sounds preposterous, Battoe’s monotonous, whiny, joyless voice throws it down a hole. You feel she should be talking about unicorns, or maybe kittens with mittens, not dry humping; sometimes you wonder if she is even old enough to know about such terrible things
Full review, and it is all bad, at The Telegraph
Full review, and it is all bad, at The Telegraph
