MORE OUTRAGEOUS DEMANDS - THIS IS VERY FUNNY

Today Chris Burgess, the general manager of Leading Edge Books, has sent out his own letter of financial demands to Australian publishers and distributors.

Leading Edge is the country's largest buying group of independent booksellers, with more than 180 members - the other end of the market from the big chains such as Angus & Robertson.

Before you express your outrage, please note that this is a parody, a spoof, a joke! And very funny.

Note from Bookman Beattie - this has been lifted from the Sydney Morning Herald this afternoon (Fri).

Dear <>,

I am writing to inform you of some changes to the way we manage our business.
We have recently realised what a piece of work we are and are ranking our suppliers in terms of their gullibility, desperation and dependence on our business.

We have concluded that far too many of our suppliers and over 40% of those with whom we have supplier agreements fall below our requirements in terms of how much profit they make.

At a time when our own incompetence continues to rise, I'm sure you can understand that this is an unpalatable set of circumstances for us, and as such we have no option but to act quickly to remedy the situation.

Accordingly, we will be rationing our supplier numbers and setting a maximum earning ratio of income to trade purchases that we expect our suppliers to achieve.
I am writing to you because <> falls into the category of making an unacceptable level of profit.
As a consequence we would invite you to pay the attached invoice (or more if you like) by Aug 17th 2007. The payment represents the gap for your business, and moves it from an unacceptable level of profitability, to below our minimum threshold (of zero).

If we fail to receive your payment by this time we will have no option but to remove you from our list of authorised suppliers, and our customers will be unable to purchase a decent range of books from us until such time as a payment is made or we decide to start taking our pills again.

I have also attached a 'proforma' for you to complete and return to me, with your proposed terms of trade for our financial year commencing Sept 1st 2007 (and running until the Year of the Donkey). We have the following expectations:

- All agreements contain a standard rebate, a growth rebate and a minimum co-op commitment to enable participation in our marketing activity.
- All rebates will be payable irrespective of whether we meet the conditions agreed.
- All rebates are paid on a daily basis for ever and ever amen. You must ensure that the needle (provided) is inserted into your vein and a quart of your blood is received by us by the 7th of the month following the preceding month (which also follows the preceding month) . Any blood not received by this date will attract a daily 5% interest charge, payable in flesh.

I am also including a copy of our ratecard, and our marketing calendar (although this is subject to change without notice, in fact why don't we set up a website where you can check our marketing calendar on a daily basis?), to enable you to begin planning your promotional participation now (although as previously stated, any planning will be pretty much a waste of time as we'll probably change our minds and may or may not tell our buyers).

If you would like to discuss this with me in more detail, I am delighted (in fact, I can't stop laughing, see above note re medication) to confirm and appointment with you at 1.00pm on Friday 17th August (just in time for you to deliver your blood in person) for 30 seconds at my offices (yes, plural, one of them can be hosed out) at Level 1, 3 Fitzsimons Lane, Gordon (although I might keep you waiting for an hour).

Best Regards,
Chris Burgess
Leading Edge Books General Manager of Publisher Margins (or LEBGMPM for short)